The popular sketch comedy show, Key & Peele, ran from 2012-2015 on Comedy Central. The show starred Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele in what became a classic show of the 2010s. One of their most classic sketches, “the East/West Bowl,” made fun of the crazy player names that come out of college football.

The sketch was inspired by longtime New York Jets offensive tackle, D’Brickashaw Ferguson, whose unique name prompted the comedy duo to come up with the wackiest names possible and present them in a similar style to the Sunday Night Football player introductions. The result was an all-time great sketch.

If you’re not familiar, please take the time to watch all three installments below (or at least the first one):

While it has been over five years since the last episode of Key & Peele aired, there are still plenty of interesting names that will be entering the college football world in the coming years, including Decoldest “ToEvaDoIt” Crawford and General Booty.

In the spirit of the Key & Peele East/West Bowl, I will be ranking the 10 most interesting names of Washington players all-time. Whether they played in DC for just one game or for 20 years, any player who has ever suited up for Washington qualifies.

Recent Capitals draft picks Hendrix Lapierre and Bear Hughes may one day be in the running for this list, but since they have yet to actually play for Washington (and they likely won’t for at least a few years), they do not qualify. This applies for all minor league players that never played with a Washington team despite being within the organization.

For most of the series we do here at The Wildcard, statistics, performance and overall impact are all major factors. Here, none of that matters. This is purely about the most uniquely named people to ever play in Washington.

10. Rod Breedlove, Washington Football LB (1960-64)

There’s nothing crazy about the name Rod, but combining it with the last name ‘Breedlove’ is just mean. I can’t imagine the jokes he constantly had to suffer through, but the 1960s is probably the best time to have that name.

If he were around and playing today, he probably wouldn’t be able to log on to Twitter without seeing a joke about his name, and if he was in his prime in the 1970s and ’80s, he might have been in a different line of work that much better suits his name…

The best part about Breedlove is that for one season he was teammates with quarterback Dick Shiner. The 1964 Washington Football Team had Rod Breedlove and Dick Shiner on their roster; what a time to be alive.

9. Admiral Schofield, Washington Wizards PF (2019-20)

The second-year forward was just recently traded to the Oklahoma City Thunder on Draft Day along with the 37th overall pick in exchange for the 53rd overall pick (which the Wizards used on Cassius Winston) and a 2024 second-rounder. Schofield didn’t make too much of an impact in his rookie season, averaging 3.0 points, 1.4 rebounds and 0.5 assists in 11.2 minutes per game, splitting time between the Wizards and the G-League’s Capital City Go-Go.

Stats aside, looking at his name, you’d think he was a World War II officer for the Royal Navy (he was even born in London). The best part is he actually has a brother named General.

Hopefully Admiral can take the next step forward and establish a solid NBA career in OKC, but after just one season in Washington, he made a great impact in the name department.

8. Errol Rausse, Washington Capitals LW (1979-82)

Upon a quick Google search of the meaning behind the name “Errol,” I found “warrior,” “prince,” and “boar wolf,” among others. There aren’t too many Old English names that we see today, but I’d imagine Rausse was still in rare company back in the ’80s.

The Canadian forward played just 31 games at the NHL level, all with the Caps, and spent most of his professional career in the AHL with the Hershey Bears. Playing 24 games in 1979-80 at 20 years old, Rausse totaled a career-high eight points (6g, 2a).

Hockey names are tricky because there are a lot of European players who have names that are considered to be rare among North Americans, but are still common enough in their native countries. For Canadians, however, Rausse is certainly in the more obscure category.

7. Lastings Milledge, Washington Nationals OF (2008-09)

Milledge was the everyday center fielder for the 2008 Nationals that finished 59-102. While the team was terrible, Milledge was actually relatively productive. His 14 home runs and 61 RBI led the team, and he hit decently with a .268 average.

A poor start in 2009 led to Milledge being optioned down to Triple-A ball, and by June he was traded to the Pittsburgh Pirates in a deal that brought in franchise legend Nyjer Morgan to Washington. He was out of Major League Baseball for good by 2011.

6. Fish Smithson, Washington Football S (2017)

“Smithson” is a fairly tame last name, but it doesn’t matter. If your first name is “Fish,” you will make it on any name-related list. Unfortunately, the former Washington safety loses some points here because his birth name was Anthony; otherwise he’d be on the Mount Rushmore of DC sports player names.

Regardless, he is still listed on NFL rosters and databases as “Fish Smithson,” and that warrants recognition. What’s even better is he doesn’t know how to swim and received the nickname “Fish” from his grandmother because he was afraid of the animal.

The Baltimore native began his college career at Hartnell, a community college in Salinas, California. He transferred to Kansas his sophomore year in 2015, where he went on to lead the nation in solo tackles and earn Second Team All-Big 12. He posted a career-high four interceptions and two forced fumbles as a senior in 2016 and earned First Team All-Big 12.

He went undrafted in 2017, but appeared in two games for Washington, which remain his only two regular season NFL appearances to date.

5. Delbert Cowsette, Washington Football DT (2001-02)

No this isn’t a farmhand from a Disney movie, this is a former NFL defensive tackle who spent two seasons in the NFL, both with Washington. He didn’t make any starts, but he never missed a game, recording two career sacks. He spent the rest of his playing days in and out of arena football.

The University of Maryland alum started coaching with the Terps in 2008, and has since served different roles throughout the collegiate and professional circuit. He’s currently back in College Park as a defensive line coach.

Cowsette himself is from Ohio, but his name just sounds like a friendly man from Mississippi who smokes some of the best ribs you ever tasted. Obscure comparison, yes, but I wish I could be a defensive linemen at Maryland because I would run through a brick wall for Coach Cowsette.

4. Coy Bacon, Washington Football DE (1978-81)

A three-time Pro Bowler defensive end, Lander Bacon spent his last four NFL seasons with Washington to wrap up his 14-year career. With the middle name “McCoy,” he went by “Coy Bacon,” giving him one of the greatest names in Washington sports history.

His name literally translates to “bashful pig meat,” but you could describe Bacon as anything but reserved on the football field. He began his career behind the Fearsome Foursome defensive line with the LA Rams, and soon after elevated to a starting role, where he made his first two All-Pro Second Teams in 1971 and ’72.

After a stint with the San Diego Chargers, he was traded to the Cincinnati Bengals, where in 1976 he posted a league-high 21.5 sacks, before the stat was officially recorded. Some sources claim he posted 26 sacks that season, which would best Michael Strahan’s current NFL record of 22.5 by an absurd margin. Either way, it’s widely agreed that Bacon finished with around 130 career sacks (unofficially), right around three Hall of Famers in Lawrence Taylor (132.5), Rickey Jackson (128) and Derrick Thomas (126.5).

Despite these incredible feats, Bacon was never named First Team All-Pro and was never even a semi-finalist for the Hall of Fame. Being in the Hall of Fame of player names isn’t much of a consolation, but he earns that spot nonetheless.

3. Terrmel Sledge, Washington Nationals OF (2005*)

Sledge holds two very important places in Nationals history despite playing just 20 games in the nation’s capital. He was the first player to hit a home run as a Washington National, and he was included in the trade that brought All-Star Alfonso Soriano to DC prior to the 2006 season.

Sledge began his career in 2004 with the Montreal Expos, where he had his best major league season by far. He was third on the team in both home runs (15) and RBI (62) and he slashed .269/.336/.462. He finished tied for sixth in NL Rookie of the Year voting (receiving just one vote), and he moved with the franchise for their inaugural season in DC. That first home run was his only big moment as a Nat, however. After playing 20 games, Sledge ruptured his hamstring on May 2 and was out for the season, and he was shipped away that offseason.

Let’s not get away from why he’s on this list and in the top three, though. His name sounds like it came straight out of the East/West Bowl. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was the long-lost cousin of Torque [construction noise] Lewith. It’s not everyday you meet a guy named Terrmel, and adding on the last name Sledge just makes it all more perfect.

2. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Washington Football S (2018)

The former Pro Bowl safety had a pretty uneventful nine-game stint in Washington at the end of the 2018 season, but it was more than enough time to set himself up as one of the greatest names in DC history. Unlike most of the players on this list, the attention surrounding his name has been in the mainstream since he entered the league in 2014 with the Green Bay Packers.

In some ways, it’s become normalized, but that shouldn’t take away from the mystique of a man’s first name being a literal laughing sound (although his full first name is Ha’Sean). The fact that he is named Clinton-Dix and he played in Washington about 20 years after the Bill Clinton–Monica Lewinsky scandal also adds an intense level of irony.

All references aside, Clinton-Dix has since went on to play for the Chicago Bears, and was later released from the Dallas Cowboys prior to this season. He clearly wasn’t much of a fit in Washington, but given Troy Apke’s performance at safety this season, it may not hurt to try and bring him back in for a redo. Regardless, he easily has one of the best names in city history.

1. God Shammgod, Washington Wizards PG (1997-98)

You’d be hard-pressed to find a name greater than this. This top slot isn’t even up for debate. The late-90s Providence star is considered one of the greatest ball-handlers in the history of basketball, and is the namesake for the famous “Shammgod” crossover.

Shammgod played basketball all over the world, and is currently a player development coach with the Dallas Mavericks, but he played just 20 career NBA games, all with the Wizards. He was drafted 45th overall in the 1997 NBA Draft and averaged 3.1 points, 1.8 assists and 0.4 steals in 7.3 minutes per game in his lone season.

His best game was on Apr. 9, 1998, where he played a career-high 23 minutes and posted career-highs in points (12) and rebounds (2) while adding on three assists (his career-high was seven). Despite having such a short NBA career, Shammgod continues to have an extreme impact on the basketball world, and it is an honor that his entire NBA career was spent in Washington.

Bonus Pohory-list: Top 10 Old-Timey Senators Nicknames

Ok I know what you’re thinking:

Wow, what a treat. Two lists in one post? Guess I know what I’ll be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Yes, you’re welcome. Here’s some extra reading material to enjoy.

The reason I make these two separate lists is because when I say the best names in DC sports history, that obviously includes the Washington Senators. Thing is, back in the days of the original Senators, pretty much every player had a nickname, each one more ridiculous than the last.

Even though a few players on the list above went by their nicknames, I felt they were modern enough to be worthy of exception. If I included the many odd nicknames from the Senators, they would probably fill up most of the list and take away from the people with wilder birth names. So to compromise, here is a list of the 10 best nicknames from the Washington Senators:

10. General Crowder, pitcher (1926-27, 1930-35)

Alvin Crowder served in the army during World War I, but never reached General. His nickname was instead based on General Enoch Crowder (no relation), who served in that rank from 1911-1923.

This name isn’t completely out there and unprecedented, as we’ve already encountered General Booty and General Schofield in this article alone, but it warrants mention.

9. Dizzy Sutherland, pitcher (1949)

Howard Sutherland made just one major league appearance, making a start against the St. Louis Browns. He lasted just one inning; despite allowing just two hits, he walked six batters and allowed five earned runs for a career ERA of 45.00.

I couldn’t find anything on the origin of his nickname, but it probably had to do with having to keep track of all the guys he let on base. Coincidentally, he was born in Washington, played his only game in Washington and died in Washington.

8. Happy Townsend, pitcher (1902-05)

John Townsend couldn’t have been happy in 1904 when he led the majors with 26(!) losses and 19(!) wild pitches. I know it was a different era but jeez, get a grip John.

7. Chief Youngblood, pitcher (1922)

“Chief,” as you’ll see later in this list, was a common nickname in baseball. This name combination is just awesome, and is much cooler than his real name, Albert Youngblood.

He appeared in just two games and pitched 4.1 innings in the majors, allowing nine hits and seven earned runs to give himself a career 14.54 ERA. That ain’t it, Chief. (I cringed just typing that, but I’m leaving it so you can cringe too).

6. Hippo Vaughn, pitcher (1912)

James Vaughn played in the majors from 1908 to 1921, but only 12 games came in a Washington uniform. His nickname stems from his size (6’4″, 215 pounds).

For reference, Clayton Kershaw is 6’4″ and 225 pounds, which isn’t small by any means, but certainly not deserving of comparison to a hippo. This just epitomizes how much humans, especially athletes, have revolutionized over the past 100 years.

5. Jug Thesenga, pitcher (1944)

Arnold Thesenda was another pitcher with a short major league stint. He pitched just five games and 12.1 innings, allowing seven earned runs for a 5.11 ERA.

The nickname apparently came from the saying at the time that curveballs looked like jug handles, which seems oddly unspecific to Thesenga himself. I feel like pretty much all major league pitchers could throw curveballs, even back then. Given Thesenga’s track record, it didn’t seem like he was the best at throwing curveballs either, which makes the nickname extra confusing. Either way, Jug is a funny name.

4. Firpo Marberry, pitcher (1923-32, 1936)

Firpo. I don’t think that needs any explanation. His real name was Frederick, and he received his nickname due to his resemblance to Argentine boxer Luis Firpo, so… pretty obscure.

Marberry is the most accomplished player on this list though, as he led the majors in saves five times. He was a great bullpen arm in an era that didn’t have too many.

3. Boileryard Clarke, catcher/first baseman (1901-1904)

This one almost angers me. His real name was William. Nicknames should be simple and less complicated to say. Boileryard is just a mouthful.

He apparently got the name because he had a “terrible voice that could be heard all over the diamond.” Ok? Boileryard was the best they could come up with? At least it sounds like a name from the East/West Bowl.

2. Chief Hogsett, pitcher (1938)

As mentioned, Chief isn’t a rare nickname, but pairing it with Hogsett is a wild combination. Elon Hogsett is quite the name as well, but Chief adds a certain je ne sais quoi.

The name Hogsett almost sounds a little dirty; I feel like he’d be friends with Rod Breedlove, if not colleagues.

1. Coot Veal, shortstop (1961)

Orville Veal could be a distant ancestor of Coy Bacon, as his nickname pretty much translates to an “crazy old baby cow.” He received the name from his high school coach, and it managed to stick.

He spent one uneventful season with the second version of the Senators, but this absolutely bizarre name makes the top of this list easily. This could fit into the East/West Bowl sketch seamlessly.

Honorable Mention: George “Showboat” Fisher would have made this list, but he didn’t receive the nickname Showboat until 1930 with the St. Louis Cardinals, six years after he left the Senators that won the 1924 World Series.